and exhale...

spent most of tonight crying..even when i shoudnt have been and i wonder what causes it. a deep rooted unhappiness with where you're at? yes. Even if you dont want to face it ever day, its there, comes out in different ways. I do sit there when I'm crying and say 'Why??'...and thats what i come up with...just the subconscious stuff.

Heard somewhere today that people who run away are those who just run away so they dont have to look at themselves. Thats me. Was at least 2 instances tonight where I had my hand on a doorhandle and every ounce of me wanted to run. Thing is, its all still there when ..but IF you come back.

I never used to feel like this after fighting with someone. I used to bounce back. I dont know where it changed but i still fight to 'make up'...ya know, drop texts, emails etc. But really I dont feel like it. I dont want to get into the position where I feel like crap any more but I know it will happen. The current situation dictates it. And i f***ing hate it. I do want to run. But the heart is a funny old thing and pulls you in every which direction and usually back where you want to be. Im not stupid, i know when a relationship or friendship is destructive....and when its just so wound up in love that you breathe but ..need to catch your breath at the same time. Love is overwhelming. Makes you tighten your grip on the object of your love til you realise it might suffocate them so you have to step away and thats so so hard.

Hello blog my old friend. Neglected, full of dust.....what are we trying to say? Not sure....everything that gets lost in verbal words and ends in raised voices perhaps. Its just you and me. Thanks God for that.